DEATH OF THE B-MOVIE'S WORST OF 2009

Ok, let me start off by saying, I have not seen every movie this year. So obviously this isn't a definitive list. Also take into consideration that I have not viewed movies such as "The Ugly Truth" and "The Proposal", because it is flat out just insulting to me. I've heard a lot about movies like "Miss March" and "All About Steve" being horrendous and should be on any worst list of all time, not just for the year, but once again I wouldn't subject myself to that filth, even if you payed me. So take this list as the worst movies someone who reads this blog might actually go and see, I would hope that any reader of Death of the B-Movie would never be caught walking into a theater to view "Confessions of a Shopaholic"...

7)" X-Men Origins: Wolverine" starring Hugh Jackman on steroids

I wouldn't really call this film a worst of all time, in fact, it was entertaining at moments. But the sheer mishandling of an epic story that nerds around the world could have rejoiced over, has left me at a point where this movie must be condemned for it's generic output. I'm not an advocate for keeping a movie exactly the same as an original story-line, whether it be novel or comic. Some things must be changed to work for a movie, but completely changing it to approve the movie going masses is what actually hurt this film. Trying to make it as hollywood and understandable for stupid 13 year old boys is it's ultimate downfall. Also a huge minus was the ever annoying Ryan Reynolds as tough guy Deadpool.

6) "Friday the 13th" starring... um, who cares?

I did not expect much from this, but I was given nothing. Is this a remake? Is this a sequel? Nothing is really clear here, all I know is that it was somewhat based off the first 3 films, but done in 2009 where the idiotic teenage plot has no place. The original "Friday the 13th" films were special for a reason, and in 2009 "Friday the 13th" tames down what has already been done and repackages it for the masses in a non-exciting way. The deaths weren't even cool.

5) "The Informers" starring Mickey and Billy, oh why oh why?

Bret Easton Ellis novels have not always made the best transition to film. The films themselves all had something good though, even if they weren't accurate with the original novel, but "The Informers" has the hardest transition of them all. How do you make a movie where random things just happen and people are basically robots on drugs? The lack of emotion and care really shows here. It doesn't help that two of the best actors of our time (Mickey Rourke and Billy Bob Thorton) are playing characters as pointless as they come. "The Informers" is one of the few Easton Ellis novels I have not read. I fully planned on reading it in the near future, until I saw this movie. If it is anything like the film, it goes to the bottom of my to-do list.

4) "Extract" starring half the cast of "Arrested Development" and half the cast of every Judd Apatow movie, with none of the comedy

This one really pains me. I am a fan of what Mike Judge has made in the past. "Office Space" may be one of the best comedies of the 90's. Every actor/actress in this film has also been involved in something solid in the past, including the ever annoying Ben Affleck. When I sat in the theater I had the feeling of waiting the whole time. I was waiting for the funny part to happen, or for the film to at least turn more serious and into a decent drama. Sadly, it never came and the result was as boring as vanilla extract itself. "Office Space" took the everyday routine and made it funny and interesting, Extract is even more boring than the everyday routine and makes you wonder why it was even made to begin with.

3) "The Unborn" starring my main man James Remar and the usually entertaining Gary Oldman

The past year or so we've seen a semi-improvement in horror. I felt some movies almost hit the successful horror pedigree, but fell slightly short because of the standards of today's cinema. "The Unborn" brings us back to the completely idiotic and pointless horror film that has ruined the genre today. I knew this movie wasn't going to be good, and why I gave it a chance, I'm still not sure. But why did it have to be this bad? The movie literally has shots just to show the lead actresses' ass. Not a sex scene, not her running and it happens to show her backside, just her standing at a mirror in skimpy underwear and nothing else happening. You won't see me condemning any nudity scenes anytime soon, but seriously what was the point of this? What was the point of this retarded movie?

2) "My Bloody Valentine" starring hmmm have I ever seen any of these people in a film before?

If it wasn't for my biased hate for the #1 film on this list, "My Blood Valentine" in 3D may be the worst movie of 2009. I did not have the pleasure of viewing it in 3D, but I did have the horrible task of seeing it in 2D where the shots made for 3D excitement made it even more painful to watch. I've seen high school video projects with better acting than this film. It really pains me to have my worst of 09' list dominated by horror, but sadly that is the state we are in. I am actually a huge supporter of the original "My Bloody Valentine". It is one of the better and more unique slashers out there, even the man himself Tarantino agrees. Once again, my childhood is slowly killed by the remakes of today.

1) "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen"

UGH. I hate this movie more than almost any other movie in the history of film. It is painful knowing the millions of dollars pumped into this garbage could have been used for good, and even more painful knowing how successful this movie was. Basically all it shows me is how retarded America really is. I can't believe anyone would find this good. The script may be the most annoying and horribly worded piece of writing trash in the history of blockbuster cinema. I thought the special effects and fights would at least be entertaining, but no it was awful. For one, there is just way too much CGI, nothing looks real. Two, the battles are just metal balls of confusion where you don't know who's doing what or even which side the transformer is on. 1980's cartoon animators did 1000 times better with cartoon battles than Michael Bay productions. Don't be an idiot and go into this thinking you will get what you loved as a child. Don't be even more of an idiot and go in thinking it will be worth it because of Megan Fox. Please just do yourself a favor and skip it, so we don't have to be subjected to something like this ever again.

honorable mentions:

"Terminator: Salvation" for stinking up the forever classic Terminator film series. I never though Terminator 3 wouldn't be the worst film in the series...

"Observe & Report" why wasn't this funnier? The director of the best show on television right now "Eastbound & Down" and one of Hollywood's best new comedic stars? Where did it go wrong?

"Ninja Assassin" unless Tony Jaa makes more movies that come to the U.S., I think it is safe to say the Americanized martial arts film genre is completely dead. The script is so stupid and the potentially cool martial arts scenes are ruined by buckets of the most unrealistic low level CGI blood of all time.

There you have it, be ready next year for even more hate.

"THE LAST AMERICAN VIRGIN"

Ah yes, if anyone knows me they know I am a huge advocate of this movie. I'm pretty much a fan of all things 80's and this is no exception. "The Last American Virgin" could be viewed as your typical horny teenager movie or second rate "Fast Times At Ridgemont High", but I believe it stands above all the others for a couple reasons. One reason is that it is willing to take risks. "Porkys" and those movies were pretty crude, but here we have things even more perverted than those movies, but also it isn't afraid to show a little emotion. The second reason is the more realistic ending. I don't want to give it away for those who haven't seen it, but for those who have, you know exactly what I'm talking about. Let's just say you don't get your typical happy movie ending, and it ends on a very odd note. I like the actors too, we get Lawrence Monoson who you may know as one of Jason's victims in "Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter", along with Steve Antin, who you may remember as the douche bag jock in "The Goonies". I remember my entire high school career, I searched long and far for this film. It was out of print and only available on VHS. Luckily now, it is a widespread DVD release. Do yourself a favor and pick up the best of the 80's teen comedies.

*3 and 1/2 Lance Approvals*

"STONE COLD"

When I was a kid, there was a certain kind of movie I looked for. One that had a lot of violence, action, guns, and badassery. "Stone Cold" is that film and it doesn't get much more bad ass than that. Starring ex-NFL bad boy Brian Bosworth and Death of the B-movie blog idol Lance Henriksen, "Stone Cold is about an undercover cop who must infiltrate the most deadly biker gang in America. From there you have your basic action movie plot, but with an extremely high body count and a great amount of things only an early 90's action movie could get away with. Everyone here is shirtless and well, just over the top, including Bosworth's hair. Chains Cooper may be the best biker of the 90s as well. "Stone Cold" is one of the manliest movies around, now go be a man and ride a harley out on the highway with an open chested vest.

*3 Lance Approvals*

How can Lance not approve?

"BOXING HELENA"

Seeing is believing, and I had to see this film to really believe. I'm surprised this bizarre film was ever even allowed into production. "Boxing Helena" directed by David Lynch's daughter is about a man ("Warlock" himself) who is so obsessed with a woman that he goes to any length to keep her... and by that I mean cutting off all her limbs. The film starts off very strange with its mood and over the top acting by Julian Sands, but it really enters the bizarre once Helena is actually living with him and missing her limbs.

Nothing is taboo here, I can see why many leading Hollywood woman turned down the Helena role, because let's be real here, it would have killed their careers. Julian Sands is out of hand in this film, but delivers the pitiful and disturbed man very well. He is so good at being a worm that I don't really have any interest in seeing his performances ever again, well besides "Warlock" of course. Sherilyn Finn from "Twin Peaks" is beautiful but also so good at being a bitch that you don't completely sympathize with her, which would make this movie even more controversial if you actually cared about her. We also get a little bit of Bill Paxton psychotic action, anytime Bill Paxton is involved; I'm excited. This really is a must see for the disturbed like myself, just don't expect a nice night out at the movies.

*2 and 1/2 Lance Approvals*

"HOUSE OF GAMES"

"House of Games" is David Mamet's directorial debut, and it is a fine debut indeed. One of the most original deception movies of all time and one of the classics of the 1980s. Describing the film's plot line in a short couple of sentences does not do justice to the overall story. I won't even bother with that. What I will tell you is that almost everything about this film is perfect. Yes I said it, and it deserves on any great movies of the past century list. The acting, especially by the two leads is superb. The dialogue is extremely rich and the soundtrack is perfect. The direction may not be the most unique aspect of the film, but it is surely up to standards and the plot twists are better than anything else I've seen recently in the drama or thriller genre. Do yourself a favor and pick up, or at least rent the Criterion DVD of this excellent film.

*4 Lance Approvals*

"LET SLEEPING CORPSES LIE"

Set in the English countryside, but actually filmed in Italy, "Let Sleeping Corpses Lie" is another cult favorite of the foreign zombie film genre. The plot is somewhat irrelevant, but I like the different touch of an agricultural machine making the dead rise. Basically you have some people meeting each other and they end up in a zombie situation. Luckily this film was created in the early 70's and that story line hadn't been completely killed to death.

All over the internet I read a lot of comments about it being one of the best unknown zombie films. I guess you have to define unknown. I don't think I'd call it one of the best, but it is for sure not the worst. Overlooked? For sure. Essential? Hardly. If you can ignore the bad voice overs and the fact that it is extremely dated, this is a great film for horror buffs and zombie nerds alike with some great gore and surprisingly beautiful scenery.

*2 and 1/2 Lance Approvals*

"NIGHT OF THE DEMONS"

"Night of the Demons" is what we over here at Death of the B-Movie like to call "a classic of bad cinema". Straight up, the acting sucks, the budget sucks, the direction and plot suck, there isn't much good going around, but it still manages to be an extremely entertaining movie. Luckily it doesn't take itself too seriously, and once it gets going, it is a treat to watch.

The film basically follows typical stupid 80's teenagers who go to a haunted house type setting on Halloween and bad shit starts to happen. The reason why and how possession by demons starts remains unclear, but is that really necessary in a film like this? I'd say it is comparable to the "Evil Dead" films with its low budget gore with equal scares and laughs. Supposedly a remake has been made that I have yet to view, but we all know a movie like this can only be done in the 80's. Need I say more horror nerds? If you haven't seen it, you must check it out...

*3 Lance Approvals*