HALLOWEEN 2009 MOVIE GUIDE

Are you a loser like me and would like nothing more than to sit in front of the TV all night long watching horror films? Perhaps it could be more like you have nothing else to do so you are stuck watching horror movies, but either way, I will help you be prepared. Every year I decide to select a couple different movies to watch that day, or at least attempt to. Really, I'm watching horror movies all week, but here is my definitive list of what you should be watching on Halloween night this year...

7) "Candyman" - (1992) Directed by Bernard Rose, Written by Clive Barker, Starring Virginia Madsen and Tony Todd.

Start your night off with something solid. Not too old, not too new. The Candyman will provide you with some decent story telling and a good amount of gore. The scares are plentiful, be ready if you haven't already seen.

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6) "Fright Night" - (1985) Directed by Tom Holland, Starring Chris Sarandon & Roddy McDowall

Now time to have a little fun. "Fright Night" will provide you with some 80's jams, some laughs, and some vampire fun. Ignore the new breed of 21st century vampire, this is where it's at.

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5) "The People Under the Stairs" - (1991) Directed by Wes Craven. Starring Everett McGill, Ving Rhames, and Brandon Quintin Adams

I usually forget about this movie all year round, but it always makes it's way back onto my screen during Halloween time for some reason. This is one of Wes Craven's best and also one of his weirdest. Enjoy the strangest house, family, child hero, and good cannibals of the 90s.

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4) "The Blob" - (1988) Directed by Chuck Russell, Starring Kevin Dillon & Shawnee Smith

The 1980's knew how to truly remake a movie unlike the garbage today, and this film embodies that to the max. You get a lot of gross out effects and a decent movie as well. Preferred over the original and you get a little science fiction love in there as well.

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3) "The Fog" - (1980) Directed by John Carpenter, Starring Jamie Lee Curtis & Adrienne Barbeau

Your halloween won't be complete without a little Carpenter. Usually I watch "The Thing", but this year I decided to go with the atmospheric late night gem known as "The Fog". Beware! Avoid the remake at all cost!

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2) "Psycho II" - (1983) Directed by Richard Franklin, Starring Anthony Perkins

This film had the impossibly hard task of living up to one of the greatest horror movies of all time. It may not be a Hitchcock masterpiece, but it is certainly one of the most under appreciated sequels of all time and one of the most masterfully creepy horror movies of the 80s.

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1) "Night of the Living Dead" - (1968) Directed by George Romero, Starring Duane Jones

Yes I know, typical, but this isn't my guide to obscure movies, it is my guide to essential halloween masterpieces for the year 2009. I usually cap off the end of my halloween festivities by popping this bad boy in and it never fails. One of the best horror movies of all time. How could you go wrong?

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There you have it, hopefully I won't give up on this stuff and we'll see another list next year.

"ONLY THE STRONG"

Somehow this film escaped me for many years, but awhile back I finally decided to check it out. I was expecting your average C-level martial arts film, which in some ways it is, but in many ways it is a clear standout in one of the most looked down upon genres. From the director of "Lionheart" and "Double Impact" comes your typical plot line of the teacher in a bad neighborhood who must fight the drug dealers from taking over his impressionable students. But in this version of that tired story-line, he fights the drug lords with the acrobatic martial art known as capoeira. Think "Stand and Deliver" meets the fighter that always dies with capoeira in tournament martial arts movies.

The film stars Mark Dacascos ("Cradle 2 The Grave" and "Iron Chef" TV fame) and he does a surprisingly good job of portraying his stereotypical role and using an extremely hard to master martial art. His love interest is rather pointless, and the little brats he teaches capoeira to can be somewhat annoying, but this film is a step above your typical early 90's action flick. There is a certain life and character to this film that the other dull films don't have. The brazilian villain is also one of the most ridiculous characters of all time. I would like to rate this as one of the dark horses of the 90's action genre.

*3 Lance Approvals*

Lance is almost shown up here as one of the most over the top villains.

"Hey look at this, the childrens are back from the playGROUUUUUUUND"

"LIFEFORCE"

Wow Tobe Hooper, you really outdid yourself here! You know the old cliche, so bad it's good? This film embodies that statement and adds an extra explosion of the bad kind to entertain you. "Lifeforce" has maybe the most ridiculous plot of all time. Naked space vampires who can turn people into zombies, coming from Haley's comet to London and running wild. Yes that is the plot. What is your film style of choice? Vampire flick? Zombie flick? Comedy? Apocalyptic picture? Space Aliens? Soft-core porn? How about all, because that is what this is and much more. This is the personification of late night movie entertainment.

Gems from this film include:

*An embarrassing performance by Patrick Stewart, Captain Jean-Luc Picard would cry watching this.

*Actually good special effects, meaning a decent amount of money was put into one of the most ridiculous movie of the 80's

*Probably over 45 minutes of solid full frontal nudity from the lead female antagonist

*Almost 2 hour running time, and never a dull moment

*3 Lance Approvals*

Simply put, one of the best guilty pleasure of the 80's that Lance does not star in.

"THE BIRD PEOPLE IN CHINA"

"The Bird People In China" is one of those rare films you come across that you really can't compare to anything else you've ever seen. Is it fantasy? Is it drama? Is it comedy? Or is it just flat out strange like many foreign films can be to us, the American audience? Even stranger is that the film's creator is Takashi Miike. If you know of this person, you certainly wouldn't think he was the creator of such a picture, even though it is strange like his other bloody works ("Ichi The Killer, "Audition"). I was also pleasantly surprised by the appearance of the actor Mako ("Conan The Barbarian", "Robocop 3", "The Perfect Weapon", "Highlander III" just to name a few). He will undoubtably return on this blog. The film is basically about a japanese businessman who must go to a remote village in China for the precious jade that is found there. Along the way he must pair up with a member of the Yakuza, but once they are there, their journey becomes different. They want to learn the secrets of the mysterious flying people and the strange young village girl who sings an eerie song in english.

There is a plot-line you don't usually get to see in your average American movie theater. While Miike will undoubtably go down in the history books for his horror and gore, this film will probably go down as one of his best works. The way the language is delivered is very poetic, and the unpredictability of the plot are things many directors will never achieve. The imagery is maybe the film's finest achievement. My only real problem with this film is the pacing. Like many asian film counterparts, "The Bird People In China" has a very tedious pace, where almost nothing happens for long periods of time. Maybe I was suppose to pick up on some deep meaningful moments during these "foreignly paced" scenes, but I found my attention span shortening a little. This is one of those films you view as a whole and not necessarily your favorite scene. If you sit there and think about the beauty and uniqueness of this film, you can't help but give it a good rating. I've taken a serious turn in my review for this film, because that is what it deserves. You won't see me making fun of this film.

*3 and 1/2 Lance Approvals*

Lance would have learned Japanese to appear in this movie. I mean, come on, he learned how to read from movie scripts to begin with.

"TOTAL RECALL 2070: MACHINE DREAMS"

Everyone knows the science fiction/action classic "Total Recall" with superstar Arnold Schwarzenegger. But unless you are a science fiction nerd from Canada, chances are you may have never heard about "Total Recall 2070". In fact, even in the U.S. it isn't properly released. This DVD released as "Machine Dreams" is only the pilot version of a now cancelled one season Canadian sci-fi television show. Generic cop, David Hume, played by Michael Easton, is hunting self aware androids, when his extremely creepy partner is gunned down. The first minute this guy appears on the screen, I figured he was the villain, but no he is killed and Detective Hume is on the case to avenge his partner, while solving the mystery of why these Androids were in this building and why they are acting the way they are. Along the way he gets a new partner, who he of course disapproves of, but learns to get along with.

While there are some similarities to the original movie, there aren't a lot, and this film is closer to "Blade Runner" than it is "Total Recall". I believe "Machine Dreams" is closer to the image Philip K. Dick wanted to portray with the story, but alas it is not as classic as the original movie. The production value is surprisingly good for late 90's Canadian low budget sci-fi. The settings will never rival "Blade Runner" but what does really? My only real complaint is the acting and script, which certainly doesn't rank among the worst. It is a shame this series has not gotten a proper release in my country. Sadly, I will wait till a complete series dvd edition is released. For now I must cope with America's sup par release and hope for a better day that I can watch all 22 episodes.

*3 Lance Approvals*

Lance thinks this is a classic example of decent science fiction. Although he thinks he plays a much better Android than Karl Pruner.

"SPLIT DECISIONS"

You all know the "Rocky" series. You've all seen "The Million Dollar Baby". Some of you may have even viewed a personal favorite of mine "Gladiator" starring Cuba Gooding Jr. Chances are though, you have not seen "Split Decisions". Funny to think that a movie starring Gene Hackman would be forgotten in the bowels of your local independent video store, but alas it has. Like all the above mentioned films, "Split Decisions" is the story of a young boxer dealing with the hardships of tough street life and white man poverty. Craig Scheffer stars as a promising young amateur boxer, who has a fast track to the Olympics and a ticket to a solid college. His father played by the Hack-man trains his son, and wants the best for him. He doesn't want him to end up like his brother who has looked to make big paydays and gain stardom by fighting pro for scummy promoters.

I don't want to give too much away, but even your little sister can probably assume what happens next. Corruption and revenge are the major themes here, with a hint of family togetherness. Movie-goers will of course recognize the great Gene Hackman, but only movie nerds will recognize the rest of the cast. Craig Scheffer (one of my favorite actors and will more than likely be a staple of this blog) plays the lead. You may recognize him from "Some Kind of Wonderful", "A River Runs Through It", or "Nightbreed". You also have Jeff Fahey who will more than likely be recognized as the weird pilot on "Lost" these days. But I love to remember him as slow Jobe from "The Lawnmower Man" and the creepy drifter from "Psycho III". Many 80's nerds will also recognize Jennifer Beals of "Flashdance" fame, but here role is utterly pointless in this movie. This won't be the most innovative movie in the boxing sub-genre, but this forgotten film ranks among the better boxing movies in my opinion. Craig Scheffer can't really box, but its ok, we forgive him.

*2 1/2 Lance Approvals*

Lance Henriksen wants you to watch this instead of "Girlfight". But he wants you to know he packs a meaner punch.

"SPACE TRUCKERS"

I didn't know they catered science fiction movies to the residents of Kentucky before stumbling across this film. No seriously, this is a very odd mix of genres. You have sci-fi obviously, but also a lot of comedy and adventure with a splash of satire on middle America. The film follows Dennis Hopper old and washed up in the film and in real life as a truck driver, in outer space. He is one of the last freelance truckers out there, and there is typical tension between him and the authority. Times are tough and he is forced to take a suspicious cargo with a group of young friends. Space dilemmas ensue and plot twists seen from China are unvailed.

Ignore the poster, this movie is nothing like those suggestion comparisons. Think more along the lines of "Spaceballs" meets "Smokey and the Bandit". When viewing this film you could possibly throw in the phrases "predictable" and "silly", but this viewing also brings forth some sort of entertainment value. The special effects are rather good for a 90's B-movie and while the dialogue may be less than stellar, you have great actors on the screen. Also, the film is directed by Stuart Gordon. If you are a horror nerd you may know him as the director of the classics "Re-Animator" and "From Beyond". Also look out for a young Stephen Dorff ("Blade"). Even the most retarded film-goer doesn't pop this bad boy in thinking they are going to get "2001: A Space Odyssey", so just relax film elitist. If you want to see a space adventure that doesn't take itself too seriously, this may be your film.

*2 Lance Approvals*

Lance Henriksen thinks he's done better sci-fi, but says you should watch this anyways at 2am when you can't sleep.