DEATH OF THE B-MOVIE: DEATH OF THE B-MOVIE'S WORST OF 2009

Ok, let me start off by saying, I have not seen every movie this year. So obviously this isn't a definitive list. Also take into consideration that I have not viewed movies such as "The Ugly Truth" and "The Proposal", because it is flat out just insulting to me. I've heard a lot about movies like "Miss March" and "All About Steve" being horrendous and should be on any worst list of all time, not just for the year, but once again I wouldn't subject myself to that filth, even if you payed me. So take this list as the worst movies someone who reads this blog might actually go and see, I would hope that any reader of Death of the B-Movie would never be caught walking into a theater to view "Confessions of a Shopaholic"...

7)" X-Men Origins: Wolverine" starring Hugh Jackman on steroids

I wouldn't really call this film a worst of all time, in fact, it was entertaining at moments. But the sheer mishandling of an epic story that nerds around the world could have rejoiced over, has left me at a point where this movie must be condemned for it's generic output. I'm not an advocate for keeping a movie exactly the same as an original story-line, whether it be novel or comic. Some things must be changed to work for a movie, but completely changing it to approve the movie going masses is what actually hurt this film. Trying to make it as hollywood and understandable for stupid 13 year old boys is it's ultimate downfall. Also a huge minus was the ever annoying Ryan Reynolds as tough guy Deadpool.

6) "Friday the 13th" starring... um, who cares?

I did not expect much from this, but I was given nothing. Is this a remake? Is this a sequel? Nothing is really clear here, all I know is that it was somewhat based off the first 3 films, but done in 2009 where the idiotic teenage plot has no place. The original "Friday the 13th" films were special for a reason, and in 2009 "Friday the 13th" tames down what has already been done and repackages it for the masses in a non-exciting way. The deaths weren't even cool.

5) "The Informers" starring Mickey and Billy, oh why oh why?

Bret Easton Ellis novels have not always made the best transition to film. The films themselves all had something good though, even if they weren't accurate with the original novel, but "The Informers" has the hardest transition of them all. How do you make a movie where random things just happen and people are basically robots on drugs? The lack of emotion and care really shows here. It doesn't help that two of the best actors of our time (Mickey Rourke and Billy Bob Thorton) are playing characters as pointless as they come. "The Informers" is one of the few Easton Ellis novels I have not read. I fully planned on reading it in the near future, until I saw this movie. If it is anything like the film, it goes to the bottom of my to-do list.

4) "Extract" starring half the cast of "Arrested Development" and half the cast of every Judd Apatow movie, with none of the comedy

This one really pains me. I am a fan of what Mike Judge has made in the past. "Office Space" may be one of the best comedies of the 90's. Every actor/actress in this film has also been involved in something solid in the past, including the ever annoying Ben Affleck. When I sat in the theater I had the feeling of waiting the whole time. I was waiting for the funny part to happen, or for the film to at least turn more serious and into a decent drama. Sadly, it never came and the result was as boring as vanilla extract itself. "Office Space" took the everyday routine and made it funny and interesting, Extract is even more boring than the everyday routine and makes you wonder why it was even made to begin with.

3) "The Unborn" starring my main man James Remar and the usually entertaining Gary Oldman

The past year or so we've seen a semi-improvement in horror. I felt some movies almost hit the successful horror pedigree, but fell slightly short because of the standards of today's cinema. "The Unborn" brings us back to the completely idiotic and pointless horror film that has ruined the genre today. I knew this movie wasn't going to be good, and why I gave it a chance, I'm still not sure. But why did it have to be this bad? The movie literally has shots just to show the lead actresses' ass. Not a sex scene, not her running and it happens to show her backside, just her standing at a mirror in skimpy underwear and nothing else happening. You won't see me condemning any nudity scenes anytime soon, but seriously what was the point of this? What was the point of this retarded movie?

2) "My Bloody Valentine" starring hmmm have I ever seen any of these people in a film before?

If it wasn't for my biased hate for the #1 film on this list, "My Blood Valentine" in 3D may be the worst movie of 2009. I did not have the pleasure of viewing it in 3D, but I did have the horrible task of seeing it in 2D where the shots made for 3D excitement made it even more painful to watch. I've seen high school video projects with better acting than this film. It really pains me to have my worst of 09' list dominated by horror, but sadly that is the state we are in. I am actually a huge supporter of the original "My Bloody Valentine". It is one of the better and more unique slashers out there, even the man himself Tarantino agrees. Once again, my childhood is slowly killed by the remakes of today.